Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Two stories about holes.

523989_4210024370636_743113471_nWent golfing today.  First time in probably 5+ years that I’ve even touched a golf club.  My cousin from North Carolina is in town, and he’s been golfing a bunch lately so he wanted to go.  I couldn’t find my driving iron so I ran to Kmart last night and picked up a driver for $16.  Notice I said couldn’t find my IRON so I bought a DRIVER.  I always played with no driver’s because I couldn’t hit them worth a crap.  So not only am I going against my cousin who’s been playing, I have to learn to hit a driver.

We head out, our foursome is myself, my cousin and 2 of my kids cousins (16 yrs old and 12 yrs old).  Beautiful morning, and since it’s Tuesday, nobody was out there.  Sweet!  I can’t make a fool out of myself.  I won’t go all into the details but it comes down to the final hole.  My cousin and I are tied.  It’s a par 3 (144 yards) and I drive first.  Straight at the treeline to the right of the hold.  CRAP!  He tops his drive so it’s short, I might have a chance.  I drive (that’s right, I’m too fat and lazy to walk it) to the trees and can’t find it.  Wait, there it is.  Somehow, it went all the way through the trees and am lying about 25 yards to the right of the green.  My cousin’s 2nd hit puts him to the left of the green.  We both chip on the green.  I sink my putt for par while he 2 putts.   I ended up winning (101-103) by hitting par on the last hole.

After some lunch and running around, I decided to come home.  But I had to make a stop first, to pick up something for the wife.  I head on over to Walmart.  I’ll let you in on a little secret, if you go to Walmart just to pick up a few items, park at the Tire & Lube entrance.  You can park next to the door so no long walk through the parking lot.  And if you only get a few items, they’ll check you out there as well.  So I park there and head in to get my “merchandise”.  I head on over to the aisle I need and grab this.

Kotex Natural Balance* Security® Tampons, Super Plus

I never understood why guys have problems going to the store to buy these for the wife or girlfriend.  It’s not like anybody behind the counter is going to ask “So what are you doing with those”.  I’m so little embarrassed that I took them to the Tire & Lube desk to check out.  The manliest register in the place.  The guy in line in front of me had pads in his cart, along with alcohol.  I nodded to his cart and said “You know how to do it right, feminine hygiene product“ lifting up my package “but you were smart enough to grab beer.”  He just kind of shrugged and turned back around.  Alrighty then, thanks for playing.  He’s probably embarrassed to be buying them and just bought the beer to make himself feel more manly.  Then as the guy scans my tampons, he asks if that’s it, I said “Yup, payment for going golf this morning, can you pick up tampons?”  He laughed and said “Yup, we’ve all been there” 

See, it doesn’t have to be embarrassing.  Man up and buy your woman their products.  Maybe they’ll remember in a week and you can actually get some.  I doubt it because they only remember the bad things we do, but you can take a shot.

Now that this post is over, go back and read the title.  I kill myself.


  1. Hell - I'll stand in the aisle and scope all the pads until I find the right one. Like they're for me? Proudly display that I have a woman at home.

    1. He asked me if I wanted a bag. Nope, I'm good. And walked out to my car with them.