Thursday, November 7, 2013

Depression buttons

I don’t suffer from depression, but there are definitely things that get me down.  I do have days where I seem to be down on myself or my life.  I don’t know if it’s a chemical imbalance or something actually sets it off, but every so often I’ll just have one of those days where I can’t stop thinking about things that depress me.  I thought maybe if I threw some out there, maybe it will help, probably not, but I can pretend it will

  1. House – My only goal for this year was to purchase a house.  The fact that it won’t happen depresses me, but more so, pisses me off.  After my divorce, my credit score dropped (it was already low to be honest) because theEx never pays any of her bills.  So pretty much any bills we had while we were together, I’m stuck paying.  I’m still paying on a van that got repossessed because she couldn’t make the payments.  On top of the reason my credit score is low, is the fact that the bank requires a certain score to be pre-approved.  When I started this process at the beginning of the year, my credit score was way low.  I paid off what I needed to pay off, my score went up a little over 60 points in 3 months which put it only 10 points from where it needed to be.  Even my banker said he was impressed at how much I got it up in such a short time.  I went back 3 months later to check my score, it only went up 2 points.  There really isn’t anything I can do to make it go faster short of buying a new car or something but who can afford that.  So now I sit here, playing the waiting game.  So it pisses me off because they can’t overlook the 8 points I was short.
  2. theEx – Since I’m bitching about theEx not paying her bills above, I’ll throw this in there.  It depresses me that I do everything for the kids while she does nothing and they still love her to death.  I know that’s not going to change but I just want them to see her for what she is.  She’s got a new job recently and purchased a SUV.  Meanwhile, her kids still wear clothes that don’t fit (at her house), and I still struggle trying to support them because her whopping $27/week support doesn’t cover hardly anything.  Hell, it cost just under $20/week for their school lunches.
  3. Stepkids – When I knew I was getting stepkids, I was excited because I see how much my brothers stepkids love him and the great relationship he has with them.  But apparently I screwed that up somehow.  Neither of my stepkids could care less about me.  It’s not that they hate me or even dislike me, they just don’t care.  All I am to them is their mother’s husband.  Chris and I got along when he lived with us, but apparently I wasn’t what a “father” was supposed to be in his eyes.  Now he lives in Virginia and I don’t ever talk to him unless I’m down there or he’s up here.  Skyler just doesn’t want a father, has no need for one.  Which is fine, but it would be nice to have some kind of relationship with her.  The only time I ever hear from her is if she needs me for something.  I can’t even get her to respond to text messages.  I tell myself it’s because I came into their lives when they were older (15 & 16) but then I hang out with my brother at a family function and see all his stepkids tell them they love him and give him hugs and they were the same age when he came into their lives.
  4. My kids – I worry too much about my kids.  It’s not that I worry about them, all parents worry about their kids, it’s more that I worry about my kids fitting in at school.  I never fit in and I was perfectly fine with it, and I certainly don’t want my kids to follow everyone else, but I was picked on and I don’t want them to deal with that.  I worry about them getting picked on for being different but I want them to be themselves, even if that means being different.  I know, I’m confusing.  Samantha will think she’s best friends with someone just because they say hi and I foresee people taking advantage of that.  Trevor will do anything for you and I fear people taking advantage of them for being nice and polite.  I feel like I haven’t prepared either of my kids for the fact that people can be assholes.  The problem is, I don’t know if how I raised them right or not.  They are great kids, polite, respectful, behaved.  The problem is most other kids aren’t.  Maybe I’m just to critical of other people, either way I worry about it.
  5. Health – Mine and Cheri’s.  We know about her health issues and I am supposed to be here for her but I seem to be having my own issues.  I’m having muscle and possibly nerve issues in my back, neck and shoulders.  I went to a chiropractor yesterday for a consultation and he seems to think that he can help.  I go back on Monday to see if he can start fixing my issues.

Those are my top depression buttons right now in no particular order.  Maybe in a year, they will change.  I suppose it would be nice to get rid of these buttons but I’m sure others will replace it.

1 comment:

  1. Depression is something that always needs to be fought. I hope these troubling issues get removed for you.