Friday, November 16, 2012

Twinkie heaven and hell

zzz-flashbackfridays

With the announcement of Hostess shutting down, it brings back bittersweet memories.  The good, I loved Twinkies growing up.  LOVED them.  So much, that it caused the bad memories.

My grandma would let us spend the night every so often.  Back when I was in Jr. High school, I got my turn.  One of the great things about staying at Grandma’s was the stop by the grocery store where you were allowed to pick up a snack for the evening.  Bet you can’t guess what I grabbed off the shelf?  A box of Twinkies.  Did I mention that I loved Twinkies?

We did our usual stuff that evening, hung out, ate popcorn and of course, my Twinkies.  I went to bed at a reasonable time because it was a school night.  Well, back when I was younger, I had a lot of trouble sleeping so even though I went to bed, I just laid there wide awake.  After a few hours of staring at the ceiling, I decided I was hungry.  So I snuck off to the kitchen and I mean snuck, because the floor at Grandma’s place was very creaky when it was completely silent in the house.  I got to the kitchen, and you know what I was after, but what I couldn’t decide was, if I was going to be able to open some Twinkies without getting caught.  The individual wrap was very crinkly and loud.  So I decided that I’ll just take the box to my room and close the door and then I can open them without getting caught.  So I grabbed the box and snuck back to my room.

What I usually did at home after everyone was asleep, was either read or played with my baseball cards, something of that nature because it was quiet and I could do it with minimal light.  I don’t remember what I did while I was eating my Twinkies, but what I do remember is looking down and there was only a few left.  Now my choice was, put the box back and get in trouble or eat the remaining couple, then put the box back and get in trouble.  It seems like an obvious choice, I’m getting in trouble anyways, might as well polish off them off and then get in trouble.  So I did.  And finally went to sleep.

Grandma came in the next morning to wake me up to get ready for school.  I couldn’t move, I was in the fetal position and my gut was killing me.  I complained, she told me she wasn’t falling for it (I had a little of an attendance problem at school) and left me to get ready.  I stayed in the fetal position for a a while before I was told I needed to get up, by my bowels.  I ran to the bathroom and my ass exploded.  And continued to for hours.  Needless to say, I didn’t go to school.  I barely was able to get off the toilet.

Apparently a whole box of Twinkies was my limit.  I don’t know how something that has a shelf life of infinity could do my stomach so wrong.  I still love Twinkies but I rarely eat them anymore.  Oddly enough, I bought a box the week my wife was out of town so I have had them fairly recently.  But you can be sure that I only had 1 package at a time.

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18 comments:

  1. I just learned on the evening news that one of the ingredients in that gooey Twinkie filling is the same glue that goes on stamps and envelopes. I used to like to freeze them and turn that filling into ice cream.

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    1. Wow! Doesn't make Twinkies very appetizing anymore

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  2. I can understand you not eating them like that anymore, the ingredients in Twinkies that cause the shelf life of infinity, will also make the memory of your ass exploding last a lifetime.

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    1. I'm hoping that's not true, but so far, the shelf life of my memory has been over 20 years so you may be correct.

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  3. Scientist say that Twinkies is one of the few things that can survive the holocaust. This will not bode well for when the zombie apocalypse strikes. Because we all know its coming. :)

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    1. We've only got 3 weeks before the Mayan's say the world is over so we probably have enough food around right now if the zombie apocalypse hits until then.

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  4. "Twinkies - your ass will explode!". Can't quite decide whether that slogan is awful or awesome!

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  5. RIP Twinkies. I was more of a Snowball kinda girl.

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    1. I was Twinkies, now I'm more of a Zinger's kinda guy, which isn't made my Hostess so yeah me!

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  6. I was never enamored (which autocorrect felt should be "end mired" = irony) with the twinkies. Sure, in college we experimented with how many we could fit in our mouth.

    More of a ho-hos kind of guy. Unwrapping and unrolling...

    After re-reading, I AM talking about hostess products...

    WG

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    1. Sure you are, just like a sandwich is a sandwich on How I Met Your Mother.

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  7. RIP Hostess. My kids always asked me to get buy Ding Dongs (instead of Twinkies) for their snacks. Not because they liked them more - but because "Ding Dong" is kid slang for penis.
    A box of Ding Dongs can provide pre-teen boys many hours of humor.

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    1. I must admit, I'm a long way away from my preteens and it still makes me giggle.

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  8. As a Brit, Twinkies are not something I'm familiar with. Looking at the photograph they look sweet, rich and sickly (and, from your story, clearly a potent laxative).

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    1. Consider this my lifehack contribution, a good tasting laxative.

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